The Big Dog "Bite Me"
Scouting Report

by
Nick Namer, ESQ.

NAME: JAKE KRAJESKI

NICKNAME(S): “HEAT MISER”, “SPECIAL K”

HT.: 6’3” WT.:170

SHOOTS: RIGHT

LEVEL: VETERAN

“HANSON” HACK RATING: 6 (1=”HAPPY” 6= HAPPY GILMORE)

PROS:REMEMBER THE REALLY UGLY GIRL IN HIGH SCHOOL THAT YOU SAID HI TO BECAUSE SHE HAD SOME HOT FRIENDS? AND THEN SHE THINKS YOU LIKE HER BECAUSE YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE THAT SAYS HI TO HER? JAKES LEAGUEMATES HAVE A SIMILAR PROBLEM, THEY’RE JUST PUTTING UP WITH HIM TO GET TO THE GOOD GUYS, AND HE THINKS THEY LIKE HIM.

SLOWER THAN A 16K DIALUP MODEM, HE’S EASIER TO GET AROUND THAN A MASSPORT SECURITY CHECKPOINT; TEAMMATES HAVE ACTUALLY GRABBED HIS FOOT AND CHECKED TO SEE IF HIS WHEELS HAD BEARINGS IN THEM. HE’S DONE EVERYTHING(GOALIE, FORWARD,DEFENSE) EXCEPT THE SCOREBOARD, AND THAT’S ONLY BECAUSE SARA (WHO HAS EXPERIENCE WITH LITTLE MINDS) TALKED HIM OUT OF IT BY GIVING HIM SOME CRAYONS AND SUGGESTING HE COLOR A PICTURE FOR HER INSTEAD; WHICH WORKED, THANK GOD.

CONS: GOTTA BE THE HAIR. THE ONLY THING SCARIER THAN HIS PLAY IS WHEN THE HELMET COMES OFF AT THE END OF THE GAME. BLAINE HAIR& BEAUTY SCHOOL USES HIS PICTURE FOR THE “BEFORE” IN ITS ADS.

“WHAT A WASTE OF GOOD LOOKING EQUIPMENT”

“HIS NAME SHOULD BE “FAKE HIMOUTSKI”

“HE’S BIG, HE’S UGLY, IF HE WERE GREEN WE COULD CALL HIM “SHREK”

GOALIE QUOTES: “JAKE’S DOWN HERE? IS THE PERIOD OVER?”

BUT SERIOUSLY: ONE OF THE BIGGEST GUYS IN THE LEAGUE AND HE USES HIS SIZE TO HIS ADVANTAGE. COVERS QUITE A BIT OF AREA IN THE DEFENSIVE ZONE AND CAN HOLD IT. SOME OF THE SPEEDIER FORWARDS CAN GET BY BUT THEY USALLY GET A GOOD CHASE IF THEY DO. EXCELLENT ON PLAY STARTING ON THE BREAKOUT; PRETTY GOOD AT KEEPING THE BALL IN AT THE POINT BUT DOESN’T SHOOT NEARLY ENOUGH, PREFERRING TO PASS, WHICH MAKES HIM LESS OF A THREAT AND MORE LIKELY TO GET PICKED OFF. NEEDS TO SHOOT! DEFENSE IS DEFINITELY HIS BEST, MOST EFFECTIVE, POSITION.

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